crying and blogging about it wont change a thing

so why bother?

on another note,

there are still assholes in this world
i wished there was this gigantic hole that would swallow them up whole

but then again it doesnt really matter

i mean, its not like they are in my life anymore..
right.

although i cant deny that the thought of it does make me smile.

i am going to start blogging at a different place.

as to garner proper thoughts and write only how i truly feel

a place where i wont feel the need to hide .

I AM SORRY THAT I AM SO UNBEARABLE LAH OK

its bloody unoriginal but i watch apple ads to get new songs

you gotta admit though, they sure know how to pick them

this here is one of my faves. totally awesome.

yes the song was horribly over played back then, but the colours on this one is "cosmicly orgasmic" ok.

nuff with video spamming, do let them load and check them out while you go thru your porn stash or shit or whatever.

i wished someone knew
how i really feel
but then again
i don't think i want anyone to feel
what i'm feeling

i wish people understand me
understand what i want

i always naively thought that people just wont say
things like i will miss you so much
or please don't... i need you

because they were too mushy and too couple-ish

i guess now i realized sometimes
these things never really crossed their mind

if they believed you
they would say it
if they cared enough
they would say it
if they love you..

they would say it.

but they didnt

i guess its hard to lie.
especially when its such an absurd lie.

tonight i go to sleep,
crying, beaten and broken.

tomorrow i awaken,
sore and numb.

pain that was buried,
dug out,
tugging at the scabs
pulling on new wounds..

my heart bleeds,
just like before...
just a little less now

happiness heals everything ..
as always..

hand me my little sand bucket
and i will bury these wounds deeper this time..

for making us ..
no.. you happy
is what's that keeping a smile on my face.

let me go to sleep tomorrow...
with a smile on my face.

i hate being sick

i am craving for eggs and a burger
and fries

and i'm sick.

i just wanted someone to baby me,
let me be all pissy and insecure
and whine
cause i'm sick.

obviously ,
once again, according to you,
i was out of my mind.

it made me sad, and i cried
note to self, don't cry when sick,
it makes the whole flu thing worse.

nvm. i still love you.

yes very foolish of me, but i still love you.

i'm sorry for wasting your time
i'm sorry for embracing your touch every time
i'm sorry for kissing back
i'm sorry for telling you the truth
i'm sorry you're just a friend
i'm sorry

i will miss you
your smiles, your warm hugs, your theory of "cheese everything",
your smelly ikea warm throw, your gum chewing sessions,
your feet touching mine, your hands in mine, your smell,
and your words of encouragement.

you are truly a good friend
a perfection that matched what i have mapped out in my mind,
many years ago..
to have found you
it must be that my prayers were answered
but i'm sorry .

perfection is not what i am looking for,
as
i'm content , too contented with what i have right now.

but still,
your maturity amazes me,
your strength inspires me

love you loads
:)

start caring less, and giving in to everything you want
you better fucking NOT regret this
if you do...

too bad, its your loss.

i'm so tired of this
so bloody tired.

sometimes it scares me to think that everything you say is a lie
its scares me even more when i know that you are manipulative
its definitely scarier when you seem so sure of things negative

but maybe what scares me the most is that you're so close to me
and i can't get rid of you.

but i will,
soon enough.

i wrote a long ass post bout how i felt
then i realized something.

no long ass post will justify how i feel
because

bottom line is
i'm fucking happy :)

bear bear are you reading this ? haha.

here's a wish for the new year
i wish tomorrow never comes

i want someone who shies away from taking pictures
smiles and tries to shield his face using my hands
someone who pulls me for a hug every time i come nearer
someone who plays this will destroy you again and again
someone who eats peanut butter right out of the jar,
resting his head on my shoulder
watching garden state/that's 70s show with a big goofy grin

someone who dresses messy yet amazingly well
someone who steals my cardi and hands me his leather jacket
someone who always has coke and bagels in his room

but.. i think what i want the most is
someone who will convince me that i mean everything to him
even when i told him no a million times
someone who still tries even when i pulled away again and again
someone who sneakily, mischievously tries to get his way

his way of showing me that he really wants me

and of showing me what i didnt know

showing me how much i wanted him as well.

explain to me again
WHY? do i have to give in to you again?

FUCK YOU LAH
FUCK YOU

fuck you and all your fucked up doings
and no i'm not talking bout my mum.

its hard to see in black and white
when you are in fact, blind.

the need to remind myself
of this situation
is so i could remind myself
of the fact that i am blind.

i am a mess

the metallic taste of the tea does nothing to the senses
and i stay here
wishing for "what if" situations to come through
and liberate me

but i stay here
on my bed
this pillow fort

and wish that no one would ever get the true meanings of my posts
so that i can pretend and go on living in my pretend world
pretending to feel what i don't

this in incomplete
and no, in my real world
i see clearly.

am i the only one who loves spoilers?

:(

boohooo.
i know the ending to the road :)
and the lovely bones....

dun talk to me if you dont wannaaa knowwwww...

is the person who constantly asks for a break up/time off...
the one who is in control of the relationship/friendship?

shame on you for thinking so.


its 6 in the morning again.
i'm staring at my mac, spacing out.
i want so many things
i think i know many things
but then again
as a person, i am truly just a speck of dust in this whole galaxy
so what do i know?

i always wondered..
what's the rush?
when i listen to him talk about his needs
his need to learn
to get what he can at this age
he's getting older by the minute

while i curl up on the other side of the phone
i stare at the tv
i question him silently in my head

what's the rush?

ahh.. it was at the tip of my tongue
wait.. my fingers

what's the rush?

maybe we are truly different
the way we think, function and anything else
makes us completely unrelatable to each other

as much as you care for someone
as much as you want to understand
sometimes all you can do
is

stare at the tv,
while just trying so goddamned hard to understand..
listen to all his sighs and low tones..
and at the same time,
try to make every cell in your body feel the pain he is feeling..
just so you can feel what he is feeling,
just so you can tell him,

i get what you mean,
i do understand..
i'm here with you in this...

but then the whole world blanks out,
because truth is..
you're not.

you don't get what he means,
you don't understand,
you can try to be in it with him..

but you're not.

right now.
all i know is that
i should always listen
and try to understand.

i guess because deep down..
i always wanted someone who would try to understand..

me.

its exactly six,
well almost
happy new year ppl.
i missed the count down for 3 years in a row man
kinda depressing
yeah countdowns mean something to me

maybe its that feeling when everyone screams the numbers
and your heart beats faster
and you lose your mind for a while
focusing on nothing but the numbers
and as it gets closer
the screams goes louder
and you see nothing but random colours
doesnt matter, colours of the crowd
the sky
the lighst all around you

you suck all these colours in
and then



" TWO....ONE!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"




and
then...

everyone fucking loses their mind
and screams like whores being anal fucked for the 45th time rough


sigh, i love countdowns
:)