i am truly lost
i am just drifting around
the pain is unbearable
its almost a betrayal

i wanted to change
but before change started
the towel was thrown
white flags soaring

but not by me
by people that i wanted to change for
by people that i truly cared about

its hurtful
and tonight all i have in mind is
how i would doing them a great favour
if i were to woke up dead or gone.

yes, the drama queen strikes again.
let me go watch my sad movies
while looking hungrily at those sleeping pills.

take good care and is must,
please find it in your heart to forgive me.

love always.

i am sure that
there comes a time where u feel sick and tired of your friends

just for me
it comes too often

kol's classic
brings me back to the times when i was 18
enjoy

i remembered those days
when i just sat in trains and buses
headphones on
dazed, in trance
in slow motions
listening to anthem for a 17 year old girl and danny fujikawa
looking out the window

i was lost all the time
i knew where to go
i knew how to get there
but i was just lost
lost from being myself
from my own emotions
from understanding myself

i was 19 then

i wanted to break free
i wanted to go out every night
i wanted to feel how was it like to move amongst strangers
in clubs
i wanted to feel how was it like to take liquor and get drunk
i wanted to hop in some stranger's car and have a wild night

then after i done all that
i hated it
i realized all i wanted was to feel happy
to feel good bout myself
i wanted a purpose
i wanted to feel whatever i want to feel
i dont care if that makes me look needy
i dont care if that makes me look insecure
i dont care if that makes me look pathetic

i dont care
as long as i could still smile

nowadays

i sit in a trance listening to hysterics
and onto cuddle fuddle
then wonder back into the past 2 years with milk
then slowly singing along to wires and lisztomania

i think i am still lost
but in the sense of i dont know where to go
dont know where does my choice leads to

but at least i know
i'm smiling .

to hell with you.

the other day,
we learned bout the Johari window .
for hidden, well it only works in class
i told my lecturer that i was bipolar.

a small gasp was let out,
my heart turned and did a small leap,
was it sick to feel happy that ,
someone was taking me seriously
for something that have haunted me for all these years?
and could possibly be really harmful to me?

i dont know.

on another note,
i felt betrayed bout the things that were said.
it was uncalled for.

on another another note,
i wished i could blog and blog the whole truth
the whole story and the play by plays
so i can vent and feel better
but somehow,
i can never bring myself to do something like that,
to hurt many others, as to make myself feel better.
funny how many others seems to posses the sheer casualness of doing so though.

i have too many blogs
i need a new one,
or maybe i need a diary.

ps. i love you so so much,
cant you tell?
if yes, you cant?
why is that?