slurping coffee loudly in the morning

i lit a cigg and inhale 

look at the time

its fucking 10 in the morning

and still i haven't slept a bloody wink

shit

i am fucking nocturnal

s

say hello to the klaxons again

singing my old fave.

2:04

i cried so hard
i lost my voice

the sobbing doesn't die

it goes on and on

i breath

lie on the bed

soak my pillow

i feel like something in me died

my head hurts

its been 2 days 

it still hurts

i feel like giving up

its too much for me to hold on to

i want to go away for a long time

disappear forever

just to know i am worth nothing

for them to hurt me this way

i am sensitive

my stomach hurts

it turns at the thought of it

i tried to sleep

couldn't

went for a bath

came back and lied with my hair wet

i sat up again

close my eyes

and they just came flowing down

the pain

haha

i saw a car

with the number plate starting with the word

why

why..

i still feel the pain

i am thinking of excuses of why it happened

why of all people

i was the one chosen to be betrayed

why do i still want her to be happy

why do i still want to see her and hang out with her

i almost wanted to say

" don't stay away from her,
  nothing hurts more than calling the one you like,
   only to have them to never pick up the phone."

but i bit my tongue

maybe that was the last straw

maybe that was last slap my face could ever take

but it doesn't feel right.

i don't need this right now.

not right now.

not from you anyways.

today i met a wonderful wonderful boy named aki
he's a japanese
he loves me
but i cant be his gf
cause he has to go home
he gave me a hug
kiss goodbye
brought me to meet his parents
his parents kept smiling at me
he sat with me and talked to me
i played with his shoe lace
held his hands

i wished i could marry him
but i cant 
i just cant
cause
dear dear akifu

 

 

is only 3
hahahhahahahahahahhaha

god he's so adorable
who needs a guy
when u could have a son like that
i asked if he loves his mummy
he screamed
yes yes very much

awwwwwwwww
aki!!! i love u!

i blogged bout this a long time ago

baby aki should be bout 5 now :)

i read a couple of my old post in my blog at myspace.
i suddenly miss the way i used to write.
but at the same time
i don't want to feel whatever the old jessie was feeling

haha funny

i talk as though this new jessie is having the time of her life

haha.

i think i really like ...
cause every time i go near her

i feel sick.

i should be jealous, envious, hateful, mad,

but no.
hell no.

i feel sick.
sick like wanna vomit kinda sick.

damn you .

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college 

i hate college i hate college

HELP
( haha, thank god i transfered out of help, if not ...the irony..)

i need my holidays back =(

(jantan i tahu i mcm sentiasa on holiday tak yah you to remind me)
( yes i meant you vk -_-)

tadi,
masa i tengah syiok syiok chatting dengan si vk tu kan
dia nya connection went nuts
and he offline terus .
babi.

so i went on chatting with kingsley
then baru i realized
ade small msn window bukak

it states.

(something like this lah )

your message history for waiking@i am sial. com (email rekaan semata mata untuk melindungi diri vk dari cyber sex), is full
please 

delete older messages
or
save older messages

chewah vk,
kita nya conversation on msn dah pecah rekod kat archive i rupanya.
looks like it
my feelings towards you has changed 

last time kan
i dislike you tau.

now kan.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

i hate you.
and i know the feeling is mutual

movies on friday?
hahahahahhaa. wek.

i want to be normal
i want to be someone else.

i want to have normal problems
not problems that sets my future

how i should live my life

or how i would have a family or not 

i want to be confident in things i used to believe in

like love, 
family,
and most of all,
to trust a person enough to choose to live my life with him

for the rest of my life.

not this.

i want to be the kid

who when she forgets the key

she gets nag bout inviting danger to herself

not bout how she is taking advantage of the situation

this situation

is not something i wanted

i don't want this situation

i want to stop thinking bout it

i want to talk bout happy my family is

bout how we are all together

bout how my parents are happy

not crumbling into pieces every time it pops out

it frustrates me

so much

that i feel like driving a dagger into my heart

why?
why am i the one who has to go through these things?

why cant i have normal things to fuss about

i know there are people who are far more unfortunate than me

i know you can say how you been through this and that

and how in comparison my problems are less worse than yours
but shut up and think

are you in my shoes
are you going through whatever i am going through

are you crying the tears i am crying

are you feeling the pain i am feeling?

NO.
so don't you dare compare your emotions with mine

for i have never done so.

i am sorry if your life is worse than me

but mine is bad

your level of hell might be far worse than mine

but who are you to question my level of hell

when i never questioned yours.

i just want to be a normal kid.

i just want my best friend back 

so i would have someone to call when i am sobbing

i just want things to be normal again
so i don't need to desperately want to leave home just to escape

i just want my family back

if it means that i have to shorten my life

to gain back whatever i have lost

i don't mind

i don't mind being run down by a car a day after tomorrow

if i could have my old family back

even just for a day.

i don't mind.

you know how it is
when you see someone you havent seen 
for some time
your heart beats really fast

and you melt.

and the past flashes by as you sit in the car
watching street lamps dissolve into the dark

its funny 
a queer funny feeling
as you are plunged into a sea of different emotions
yet you know 
that you should not feel that way

not anymore anyways.

he used to be my everything
he was always on my first dial
he always managed to make me smile

he was the one i would always talk to bout everything

funny how

we ended just being strangers

strangers ,

who shared a past together.

i should give up on relationships altogether
for they always end on the same note.

i realized some things today
had a crying fest over it.

but it made me feel better
things got clearer i guess
and it made me smile

i realized that i should never expect people to drop everything at once
just to come save me. they will save me
eventually
and that's what matters. =)

i realized that people react to things differently, so i need to chill
and slowly digest reactions before blowing out.
but i do find my whole "escape for a while i am pissed" working well as well.
even though it means the other party would be baffled for a few days.
oh well if they love me, they will stick around right =)

i realized that my mum and dad really loves me.
even though they rarely say so, even though you fight every other day.
they love me and will cry if i died. =)

i realized that when people left me,
50% is because i pushed them away,
i never gave them a chance to prove themselves again,
for when they made an offense again, i immediately force them to walk the plank
which is very unfair.

but i do know that i forgive and forget really easily,
i just need to stop pushing people away
people who stuck around,i love you guys =)

i realized that there are people who loves me and who enjoys my company
and they do think that i am nice happy person
even thought they never tell me that i mean a lot to them
i am glad that i can always find them around when i need them
thank you lovelies =)

i realized that my friends and loved ones accepts me just the way i am
regardless of how much they sometimes wished i wasn't the way i am
but bottom line is they stuck around
loving the real Jessie
putting up with the real Jessie
caring for the real Jessie
they might have a love hate relationship with this Jessie
but this Jessie is the Jessie they want in their lives.
thank you =)

the online comfort sessions,the phone calls, the caring words, the " i will be here if you need me"s,the jokes,
thank you so much for all of them.

you people are the ones keeping me alive.
and for that
you are my life itself.

i love you guys so much.
and once again
thanks =)

i have been fighting with her for way too long
she keeps telling me to move out

maybe i should

i should move out

as so to move on

i have to accept it

those days where she held me in her arms

with the proudest smile on her face

are gone

i do love you

and will always do

i will go

but i am forever around

tell me when you need me

and i shall be just there

for one day,
i might , and i wish

that, i might see

that proud smile again

even for a little while.

till then,
goodbye and take care.

happy earlier mothers day.

kenapa orang benci benda yg over rated
macam how semua orang benci giler kat agy

macam how i benci giler kat kate moss

macam how i am still figuring out whats soo awesome about erin wasson

macam how i tak faham ape yg best sangat pasal facebook

eh ok lari topik tu semua pasal i yang benci benda over rated

anyhoo

i tak kisah lah how much you hate blackberry

I NAK JUGAK BLACKBERRY BOLD

NAK JUGAK

NAK JUGAK 

NAK JUGAK

nak jugak babiiiiiii.

yay... i want it
with a macbook and a vios please
fuck i sound like a brat.

oh well ppl i am close to will know how much i want it
yet will never ask for it

SAYANG KORANG giler giler.
muah muah muahsss.

i am so hungry
craving for some triple play ( yg kat chillis tu bukan yg erotic tu )

ah sedap giler
sampai orgasmmm.

or hot dog ikea pun takpe lah. tu pun sedap.

owh did you know,
i got interviewed by some local tv station.
hur hur...

haida, said that if i answered in malay
i would be deemed as the gerdik malay girl
haha.

nasib nasib.

sigh i have loads of shopping to do

but no money

i have to head to

klcc, sg wang, petaling street, then...
entah.

i want a carrrr
if i had a car, i dont need to take the train, taxi, and bus.

if i had a car, i can play broken social scene's lover's spit and emo,
if i had a car, i can go for drive thrus
if i had a car, ash tak yah susah nak ambik bus balik :((,
if i had a car, i can go for late night movies with the boys,
if i had a car, i can go to gigs suka hati nenek i,
if i had a car, i dont need to have a stare down with them banglas, ( ape ko pandang sundal!!)
if i had a car, i can have a boyfriend ( mmg tak kena mengena, abaikan)
if i had a car, i leh gi shopping dgn haida, and baity....
if i had a car, i can go to bisou for my fave peanut butter cup cake., or baskin for peanut butter choc , or when my stock of goober smackers peanut butter and jelly runs out ( yah, i gila peanut butter got a problem with that bitch)
if i had a car, i can stay in borders,kinokuniya,mph, (insert bookstore/bookshop here) sampai tutup reading crap...

mama,,,, i want a car...

do not bloody give me that stupid bmw x5 model car papa bought for vivi ah
baling kang...

i still want a car...

pls kill me i sound like a brat.

owh yah

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLARE CLARE.. YOU ROCKKKKKKKKKKK
KICK THEM BUTTS OK ON YOUR 21ST!!
SAYANG GILER KAT YOU!!
GET YOUR BUTT BACK HERE ON JUNE!!

( takleh guna the word ass around clare clare, dia tu lady ...)

hahaha rightt...

bet she is goin  -_- while reading this

love you!! miss you!! come back and kick my ass k!

have a goood one 

you deserve it!

happy birthday

my dad kidnapped my new black flip flops
:(

listening to cigarettes and chocolate milk
reminds me of the days when i lied on the bed in bangsar
next to them
then getting a cab to pavillion at night
eating a pizza and some chicken with haida at this classy restaurant
and watching a movie with our feet up on the seats in front of us

then spending time at mcds till the sun came up

sigh...
i need a fag.

i think there's some left in the shoe box.

i need a car! pronto!!

mum dad heard that !!

dad asked me if i really want the macbook

and i said no

wtf 

stab me in the eye please

soft whispery songs plays in my room

i wished i could get over things easily

but i cant

i will come back to this room

and lie on my bed

with tears on my pillow

playing soft whispery songs

wishing that i could get over things easily

i wished there was a switch for me 
to turn off the feelings i have for you

so that i can stop missing you

so i can stop killing myself knowing how you will 
never be mine

so i can stop thinking how we both are so different
and are so impossible to get together

so i can stop thinking how much i want to hold you
even for a little while

i want to turn it on
only on days

when i can stay home the whole day

and lie in bed and cry

thinking bout you the whole day

thinking bout how much i want to hold you
even

for a 

little while

i hate liking someone who will never like you back

i guess this holiday is coming at a good time

i have 2 weeks to think bout him all day

after 2 weeks

goodbye.