she handed me the phone
it was my brother...

he was half yelling,
"why the fuck arent you picking up your phone?!
she is gone..
we need to leave now..
pack your stuffs 
we are heading there now!"

i was stunned
for a moment there

i forgot how to feel
i didnt know how to react

i just walked away

on the way there

through out the 5 hour journey

my tears came and went

i wasnt close to her

yet it felt empty

the world i knew fell a lot more emptier 

a piece of it was missing

then i try to digest that i have to stop looking for that missing piece

cause she is gone.

forever.

my tears dried up by the time we got there
but when i saw my uncle slumped on the sofa
with his hands in his face,
and how my grandfather broke into tears upon seeing us

i turned around,
again and again,
i whispered

i am not ready for this

i am not ready for this

as the tears stains my shirt.

but

when i walked inside...
i started to sob wildly..

i fell asleep next to my brother
on the cold floor

the sound of the fan soothes me

sending me into daze

i woke up the next morning...

walked down the stairs again
and i see her lying there
so peaceful...

whatever i said last night still lingered in my mind...

i wanted her to wake up,

i wanted her to look at me and smile

and asked if i have had my dinner

if i was tired

but she just laid there

and my sobbing got louder

the whole house was quiet
the cats walked in and out

it was as though they were looking for her

the funeral went on..

so many procedures

but were all too short and fast

the time where we will never ever see her again was coming closer

when they closed the coffin

time stopped

before they pushed her into the crematorium

i touched her

she felt cold

she felt so ...

when they pushed her in

and when the doors closed 

the world i was used to ended.

 Pati,
i know i was never really close to you, and that i rarely kiss you,

i am sorry that i felt uncomfortable talking to you,
i am sorry that we didnt visit you often,

i am sorry that i didnt tell i love you often enough..

i know these tears do not mean anything now

i know its way too late

but if you are listening..

i love you, a lot.

i will miss you.. a lot.

love,
your eldest grandchild
jess.