i remembered those days
when i just sat in trains and buses
headphones on
dazed, in trance
in slow motions
listening to anthem for a 17 year old girl and danny fujikawa
looking out the window

i was lost all the time
i knew where to go
i knew how to get there
but i was just lost
lost from being myself
from my own emotions
from understanding myself

i was 19 then

i wanted to break free
i wanted to go out every night
i wanted to feel how was it like to move amongst strangers
in clubs
i wanted to feel how was it like to take liquor and get drunk
i wanted to hop in some stranger's car and have a wild night

then after i done all that
i hated it
i realized all i wanted was to feel happy
to feel good bout myself
i wanted a purpose
i wanted to feel whatever i want to feel
i dont care if that makes me look needy
i dont care if that makes me look insecure
i dont care if that makes me look pathetic

i dont care
as long as i could still smile

nowadays

i sit in a trance listening to hysterics
and onto cuddle fuddle
then wonder back into the past 2 years with milk
then slowly singing along to wires and lisztomania

i think i am still lost
but in the sense of i dont know where to go
dont know where does my choice leads to

but at least i know
i'm smiling .