charlotte baby,i am your harlot

2010-05-12T02:06:00.002+08:00

crying and blogging about it wont change a thing

so why bother?

on another note,

there are still assholes in this world
i wished there was this gigantic hole that would swallow them up whole

but then again it doesnt really matter

i mean, its not like they are in my life anymore..
right.

although i cant deny that the thought of it does make me smile.

i am going to start blogging at a different place.

as to garner proper thoughts and write only how i truly feel

a place where i wont feel the need to hide .

2010-04-24T19:21:00.000+08:00

I AM SORRY THAT I AM SO UNBEARABLE LAH OK

2010-04-12T03:46:00.003+08:00

its bloody unoriginal but i watch apple ads to get new songs

you gotta admit though, they sure know how to pick them

this here is one of my faves. totally awesome.

yes the song was horribly over played back then, but the colours on this one is "cosmicly orgasmic" ok.

nuff with video spamming, do let them load and check them out while you go thru your porn stash or shit or whatever.

2010-03-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

i wished someone knew
how i really feel
but then again
i don't think i want anyone to feel
what i'm feeling

i wish people understand me
understand what i want

i always naively thought that people just wont say
things like i will miss you so much
or please don't... i need you

because they were too mushy and too couple-ish

i guess now i realized sometimes
these things never really crossed their mind

if they believed you
they would say it
if they cared enough
they would say it
if they love you..

they would say it.

but they didnt

i guess its hard to lie.
especially when its such an absurd lie.

2010-03-04T03:10:00.002+08:00

tonight i go to sleep,
crying, beaten and broken.

tomorrow i awaken,
sore and numb.

pain that was buried,
dug out,
tugging at the scabs
pulling on new wounds..

my heart bleeds,
just like before...
just a little less now

happiness heals everything ..
as always..

hand me my little sand bucket
and i will bury these wounds deeper this time..

for making us ..
no.. you happy
is what's that keeping a smile on my face.

let me go to sleep tomorrow...
with a smile on my face.

2010-03-02T03:51:00.002+08:00

i hate being sick

i am craving for eggs and a burger
and fries

and i'm sick.

i just wanted someone to baby me,
let me be all pissy and insecure
and whine
cause i'm sick.

obviously ,
once again, according to you,
i was out of my mind.

it made me sad, and i cried
note to self, don't cry when sick,
it makes the whole flu thing worse.

nvm. i still love you.

yes very foolish of me, but i still love you.

2010-02-21T03:21:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry for wasting your time
i'm sorry for embracing your touch every time
i'm sorry for kissing back
i'm sorry for telling you the truth
i'm sorry you're just a friend
i'm sorry

i will miss you
your smiles, your warm hugs, your theory of "cheese everything",
your smelly ikea warm throw, your gum chewing sessions,
your feet touching mine, your hands in mine, your smell,
and your words of encouragement.

you are truly a good friend
a perfection that matched what i have mapped out in my mind,
many years ago..
to have found you
it must be that my prayers were answered
but i'm sorry .

perfection is not what i am looking for,
as
i'm content , too contented with what i have right now.

but still,
your maturity amazes me,
your strength inspires me

love you loads
:)

2010-02-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

start caring less, and giving in to everything you want
you better fucking NOT regret this
if you do...

too bad, its your loss.

2010-02-15T01:26:00.001+08:00

i'm so tired of this
so bloody tired.

2010-02-07T05:16:00.003+08:00

sometimes it scares me to think that everything you say is a lie
its scares me even more when i know that you are manipulative
its definitely scarier when you seem so sure of things negative

but maybe what scares me the most is that you're so close to me
and i can't get rid of you.

but i will,
soon enough.

2010-02-02T01:11:00.003+08:00

i wrote a long ass post bout how i felt
then i realized something.

no long ass post will justify how i feel
because

bottom line is
i'm fucking happy :)

bear bear are you reading this ? haha.

2010-01-16T03:14:00.003+08:00

here's a wish for the new year
i wish tomorrow never comes

2010-01-15T21:49:00.002+08:00

i want someone who shies away from taking pictures
smiles and tries to shield his face using my hands
someone who pulls me for a hug every time i come nearer
someone who plays this will destroy you again and again
someone who eats peanut butter right out of the jar,
resting his head on my shoulder
watching garden state/that's 70s show with a big goofy grin

someone who dresses messy yet amazingly well
someone who steals my cardi and hands me his leather jacket
someone who always has coke and bagels in his room

but.. i think what i want the most is
someone who will convince me that i mean everything to him
even when i told him no a million times
someone who still tries even when i pulled away again and again
someone who sneakily, mischievously tries to get his way

his way of showing me that he really wants me

and of showing me what i didnt know

showing me how much i wanted him as well.

2010-01-15T05:05:00.001+08:00

explain to me again
WHY? do i have to give in to you again?

FUCK YOU LAH
FUCK YOU

fuck you and all your fucked up doings
and no i'm not talking bout my mum.

2010-01-11T08:34:00.003+08:00

its hard to see in black and white
when you are in fact, blind.

the need to remind myself
of this situation
is so i could remind myself
of the fact that i am blind.

i am a mess

the metallic taste of the tea does nothing to the senses
and i stay here
wishing for "what if" situations to come through
and liberate me

but i stay here
on my bed
this pillow fort

and wish that no one would ever get the true meanings of my posts
so that i can pretend and go on living in my pretend world
pretending to feel what i don't

this in incomplete
and no, in my real world
i see clearly.

2010-01-08T04:20:00.002+08:00

am i the only one who loves spoilers?

:(

boohooo.
i know the ending to the road :)
and the lovely bones....

dun talk to me if you dont wannaaa knowwwww...

2010-01-07T05:49:00.003+08:00

is the person who constantly asks for a break up/time off...
the one who is in control of the relationship/friendship?

shame on you for thinking so.

its 6 in the morning again.
i'm staring at my mac, spacing out.
i want so many things
i think i know many things
but then again
as a person, i am truly just a speck of dust in this whole galaxy
so what do i know?

i always wondered..
what's the rush?
when i listen to him talk about his needs
his need to learn
to get what he can at this age
he's getting older by the minute

while i curl up on the other side of the phone
i stare at the tv
i question him silently in my head

what's the rush?

ahh.. it was at the tip of my tongue
wait.. my fingers

what's the rush?

maybe we are truly different
the way we think, function and anything else
makes us completely unrelatable to each other

as much as you care for someone
as much as you want to understand
sometimes all you can do
is

stare at the tv,
while just trying so goddamned hard to understand..
listen to all his sighs and low tones..
and at the same time,
try to make every cell in your body feel the pain he is feeling..
just so you can feel what he is feeling,
just so you can tell him,

i get what you mean,
i do understand..
i'm here with you in this...

but then the whole world blanks out,
because truth is..
you're not.

you don't get what he means,
you don't understand,
you can try to be in it with him..

but you're not.

right now.
all i know is that
i should always listen
and try to understand.

i guess because deep down..
i always wanted someone who would try to understand..

me.

2010-01-03T05:55:00.003+08:00

its exactly six,
well almost
happy new year ppl.
i missed the count down for 3 years in a row man
kinda depressing
yeah countdowns mean something to me

maybe its that feeling when everyone screams the numbers
and your heart beats faster
and you lose your mind for a while
focusing on nothing but the numbers
and as it gets closer
the screams goes louder
and you see nothing but random colours
doesnt matter, colours of the crowd
the sky
the lighst all around you

you suck all these colours in
and then

" TWO....ONE!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

and
then...

everyone fucking loses their mind
and screams like whores being anal fucked for the 45th time rough

sigh, i love countdowns
:)

2009-12-26T03:30:00.002+08:00

its been too long since i last blogged
what have i been up to?
random crap
drama
avoiding drama
fights big fights with the mum
and ngeh just useless crap.

been going off my normal routine on blog/site stalking
and discovering many cool new sites
( NEW PORN YAY)
just kidding :)

havent been seeing much of my friends
oh wait, i dont have much friends :)
haha. ( personal inside joke meant to stab own self )

anyway, what;s up ppl who reads my blog
and thanks

how am i feeling right now?
hmm lets see
i'm hungry, cold, sleepy, and pissed off
why? maybe because i am just bored
yeah whatever.

i will further elaborate on my feelings next time when i feel like it

sorry folks.

tata.
i'm leaving you with this vid.
take good care of it ... hugs

A Day In The Life from Harry Nesbitt on Vimeo.

2009-12-13T01:07:00.001+08:00

hahahaha :)

2009-12-11T23:32:00.004+08:00

its those random shots.
its those random comments.

its those moments when you lose everything,
and out you go,
hurling every brain cells that contains sanity
out of your fucking brain.

your heart loses it too.
all your feelings are thrown into the mixer,
stirring anger,
awakening sadness,
happiness ceases, and gradually disappears...

its those conversations that goes
fuck you!!
i don't give a shit!
go to hell
you don't care, do you?!

all geared up
ready to fight
ready to charge

and when everything explodes
fireworks going
things goes slowly in motion
slowly freezes

then ...

you inhale

and bang!!!!

your heart breaks,
you start to cry,
you crumble to the floor.

and you end up with nothing but tears....

you never win,
how can you win?

when you are the one always left crying and bleeding to your death?
alone?

you don't win.
you just don't.

2009-12-05T23:50:00.002+08:00

bipolar much.
i am SO drunk that i would actually call you now HAHA.
dunNFUNUININROGNFONOI

AND SLEEP!!

everyone just move on with their business
we are all really just seeking company in those cold ac-ed rooms
holding my own hands

i wondered if people did really wanted to stay
or they didnt really have a choice?

i think they didnt have any choice.

switching.

sleepslesleepslpeeppsepepespeeepppp

2009-12-05T22:31:00.003+08:00

you know the actor from kyle xy?
whatever his name is, man, that boy
is YUMMYY MUCHO YUMMY.

so imagine my joy when i found another look alike on lookbook.
but he doesnt have a blog... ngeh
i cant stalk him :(
kidding i dont stalk.
i think :/

anyhoo
cleaned up my room just now
my baby sis helped and we fooled around with my photobooth for a bit
she said that the great lake swimmers are annoying
shuddup lil kid what do you know bout great music!!

ha...defensive much.

youtube's been a bitch to me lately
depriving me from daily needs of random videos!!
NOOOOO00000
i'm free bitches!! free from exams!!
bite me!!!
i'm bored!!!
wahoooo!!

ciao muthafuckers!!

2009-12-01T16:11:00.002+08:00

i've been googling pretty funny and weird and downright disgusting stuffs lately
no thanks to that bear. idiot.
been pretty inspired to get my own place, no idea why.
must be the fact that i wanted privacy without offending the fire nation aka my mum.
ngeh.

my lips is all dry bloory and sore. yuck
i have exams on this thursday and then i am free.
hey,have any idea of how to erase an image from your fucking brain?

haha fave quote now?
i want to give you a hand job with my mouth
courtesy of kari :)

one of the vivi models eli rose

pics from the selby

2009-11-25T16:45:00.002+08:00

a list of movies i decided i must watch/again

virgin suicides
10 things i hate about you
shaun of the dead
closer
love me if you dare
junebug
sunshine cleaning
charlie bartlett
gigantic
just friends
heathers
into the wild
coraline
the diving bell and the butterfly
let the right one in
500 days of summer
star wars
marie antoinette
cashback

songs i am currently addicted to
the xx- crystalised
air - playground love
air- alone in kyoto
nujabes - reflection eternal

my dream home shall look like this

2009-11-20T14:28:00.002+08:00

i'm on the losing side
i've won one, no two over

but i am still losing
why?

because i am losing you.

haha.

rip Daul kim.

2009-11-07T05:16:00.003+08:00

"oh ma, see, this is the guy right, that you told me about....who passed away due to an accident?" i said
"what..... " eyes concetrated on the tv.
" choy!! die already summore see for what?!"
" Dont watch, dont watch!! ".

i shrugged, continued watching that tall man with the big goofy smile delivering his lines in the drama.

tonight, out of curiosity, i googled
and found out that he died on the 21st of august last year,
and he was buried on the 23rd, my birthday.

while i was agonizing about how my birthday didnt seem so important to my friends,
in another part of the world,
friends and families were distraught by his death,
trying to keep their sanity after this sudden loss.

I thought that i wont be affected when i watch the drama
but now when i think of it.

he was so goofy in the drama
always funny and caring towards his friends
really makes you fall for him and makes you want to reach out and give him a bear hug
sometimes i felt that the character and him shared the same personality

an even more depressing note now isnt it?
to think that he was as lovely in real life as he was in the drama
ha..

r.i.p Lee Un
your smile will forever linger in those hearts you touched.

2009-10-31T07:17:00.001+08:00

Are you sure you want to delete this post?

the window asked.
i see a light flickered,
someone is going to bed
or someone woke up.
well,
it is six in the morning.

i must have dipped my finger accidentally into my coffee just now,
cause even after when the coffee is gone,
the smells lingers.
i get a fresh whiff of it every time ,
i put strands of hair onto my lips.

last night i wrote ,
bout this certain little discovery i made....
after much thinking bout the boy i love so much.

isnt it funny how love functions?
its funny how we shape our ideal partner
or how in my case,
he would look ,act, dress like
i had it all mapped out..

only to
haha

fall for the complete opposites

to think that
i always wanted someone who,
i could curl up with, listening to lover's spit
watching cashback or short stories at some random site

or someone who enjoys spending long hours at bookshops,
reading books ,
or
someone who likes staying up talking to me,
about random nothings.
someone who saw the joy in taking slow walks,
absorbing views of the city at night.

haha or someone
who wont judge me for smoking and staying up way late

i guess, i wanted to fall in love with someone
who was somewhat like me
who could get the things i love
who could understand the things i like

but instead

i fell for you
hmm

it was then i realized
where's the fun in falling for someone who was like me

but the bigger picture is

you're just amazing?
i mean,
you're amazing enough for me,
to let go of what i once perceived of as perfection.

i love you.

sigh
oh how much i love you.

2009-10-29T23:29:00.000+08:00

my insides turn
i'm too tired to cry

let me go
let me go

goodbye.

2009-10-24T04:36:00.002+08:00

after

many sleepless nights
4 to 5 cups of coffee
few sticks of malboros
playlists with metronomy,weakerthans,
lacrosse,some beirut and ending with coconut records

these nights needs to stop
this way of life needs to stop
this droning into dazed, confused state with aphex twin needs to stop
my life needs to stop
i want a new one

so come
smile
and say hi

and lets start a new one

2009-10-17T21:48:00.001+08:00

gideon bear stop annoying me
one day if i died
you would be very sad
believe me
YOU WOULD BE.

2009-10-10T23:55:00.002+08:00

fine
let me represent the friendship that never worked out.

happy :) ?

2009-10-08T21:11:00.002+08:00

fuck you
fuck you for all your insecurities
fuck you for all your bullshit philosophies
fuck you for all your life experiences that shaped you
fuck you for your dysfunctional family views
fuck you for all your bullcrap life perspectives
fuck you for all your antics
fuck you for all your stupid quirks and turns offs
fuck you for all your mindless shit
fuck you for all your blow ups and fights
fuck you for always wanting to have the last word
fuck you for driving people that you love away
fuck you for always being cynical and sarcastic
fuck you for being so bloody oblivious
fuck you for being so irritating and annoying
but most of all

fuck you for being yourself
fuck you

fuck you jessie.

2009-09-29T02:42:00.002+08:00

i am truly lost
i am just drifting around
the pain is unbearable
its almost a betrayal

i wanted to change
but before change started
the towel was thrown
white flags soaring

but not by me
by people that i wanted to change for
by people that i truly cared about

its hurtful
and tonight all i have in mind is
how i would doing them a great favour
if i were to woke up dead or gone.

yes, the drama queen strikes again.
let me go watch my sad movies
while looking hungrily at those sleeping pills.

take good care and is must,
please find it in your heart to forgive me.

love always.

2009-09-23T15:53:00.002+08:00

i am sure that
there comes a time where u feel sick and tired of your friends

just for me
it comes too often

kol's classic
brings me back to the times when i was 18
enjoy

2009-09-20T02:46:00.002+08:00

i remembered those days
when i just sat in trains and buses
headphones on
dazed, in trance
in slow motions
listening to anthem for a 17 year old girl and danny fujikawa
looking out the window

i was lost all the time
i knew where to go
i knew how to get there
but i was just lost
lost from being myself
from my own emotions
from understanding myself

i was 19 then

i wanted to break free
i wanted to go out every night
i wanted to feel how was it like to move amongst strangers
in clubs
i wanted to feel how was it like to take liquor and get drunk
i wanted to hop in some stranger's car and have a wild night

then after i done all that
i hated it
i realized all i wanted was to feel happy
to feel good bout myself
i wanted a purpose
i wanted to feel whatever i want to feel
i dont care if that makes me look needy
i dont care if that makes me look insecure
i dont care if that makes me look pathetic

i dont care
as long as i could still smile

nowadays

i sit in a trance listening to hysterics
and onto cuddle fuddle
then wonder back into the past 2 years with milk
then slowly singing along to wires and lisztomania

i think i am still lost
but in the sense of i dont know where to go
dont know where does my choice leads to

but at least i know
i'm smiling .

2009-09-13T02:58:00.000+08:00

to hell with you.

2009-09-05T04:58:00.002+08:00

the other day,
we learned bout the Johari window .
for hidden, well it only works in class
i told my lecturer that i was bipolar.

a small gasp was let out,
my heart turned and did a small leap,
was it sick to feel happy that ,
someone was taking me seriously
for something that have haunted me for all these years?
and could possibly be really harmful to me?

i dont know.

on another note,
i felt betrayed bout the things that were said.
it was uncalled for.

on another another note,
i wished i could blog and blog the whole truth
the whole story and the play by plays
so i can vent and feel better
but somehow,
i can never bring myself to do something like that,
to hurt many others, as to make myself feel better.
funny how many others seems to posses the sheer casualness of doing so though.

i have too many blogs
i need a new one,
or maybe i need a diary.

ps. i love you so so much,
cant you tell?
if yes, you cant?
why is that?

2009-08-31T02:44:00.001+08:00

fashion-inspiration much
GD <3
gonna try to diy the white fringe top he has :)

2009-08-27T22:17:00.004+08:00

it was awkward
the smiles, the small talks
and those small looks from the corner of the eyes

those exchanged glances

moving forward
these awkwardness of finding you
talking bout things you should have moved on from
these small little lingering touches
that leaves an impact too painful for the heart to bear.

as you start afresh with her
i wonder those subtle hints of you finding her interesting and so on
will ever go away
and slowly tears fall
and i realized

it will never go away
for truth is
its

you who is,

going away.

2009-08-21T02:34:00.002+08:00

friends
i am not good at this.

i commit all the mistakes
and say all the wrong things.

i am cold,often depressed,
cynical and impossible..

i am a master at getting rid of people who genuinely cared about me
alienating new possible friends
ridding off possible good friendships and relationships

there is rarely a day when i get off just being happy
there is rarely a day when i can just get off without crying

my head hurts
i wish its something terminal

then maybe
i can let my friends be happy

with their happy future without my existence.

being suicidal at all time is apparently deadly
good.

2009-08-17T22:09:00.000+08:00

2009-08-17T02:35:00.002+08:00

whole body sore. bloody tired.
feeling feverish.scaring myself
6 subs or 5?
feel bad or DON'T feel bad?
need more money,need more money
need to remember and have constant flashbacks.
try to eat on time.
sleep on time as well.
get used to morning classes :(
need a car, need a car.
need to ignore all negative comments
need/want to kiss him so badly.
mucho adorableness
going crazyyy
ahh fluffy hair fluffy hair
TAEMINIEEEEE.
sigh need to stop being such an embarrasing fangirlnoona.
avoid all shops. NEED to resist shopping. :(

2009-08-13T03:24:00.002+08:00

i dont know if what i'm about to do is
the right thing
a good thing
or the best thing

but in time
from now
i will know and try to learn from it.

hope all the stress and dilemmas i will suffer from is worth it.

anyway, birthday is coming up
birthday wish?

i want these babies to appear in my size on my bed
on my birthday morning.
ok dreamer much.

:3

oh baby you make my heart break

2009-08-06T01:43:00.001+08:00

topshop

2009-08-05T02:53:00.002+08:00

i am having a girl crush on her .
pics from stockholmstreetstyle

2009-08-03T03:58:00.002+08:00

there's always a reason for something that happens in life.

like there is always a reason of why i keep those messages
tearing up as i read them
deep in the night

like there is always a reason on why i say the things i say
just to mask my true feelings
my real desires
my desires to keep you away

like there is always a reason why i cant help but be sad
all the time
the guilt , the pain, the anger
it washes over all my bits of happiness

like there is

there must have been a reason

why i realized what i realized last night
in tears , lying on my bed
there must be a reason on why i MUST realized that

i guess the reason is that i have to move on.
i have to move on, cause you are already gone

as much as i want to be alone with you.

2009-07-31T02:54:00.002+08:00

i have been quite happy for the last 2 nights
loads of random laughter and fit of giggles

i just needed to be reminded
a few gulps of apple juice
some random clips from high fidelity

i feel much better now

" when you love somebody
its hard to think about anything,
but to breath."
- fruit bats.

2009-07-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

spending my Saturday in a stupid cyber cafe isn't really my idea of fun
i am trying really bad to ignore the sound of boys around squealing high pitch

makes me feel like i am sitting in a room filled with nervous virgin boys
eager to lose it

the saddest thing is
they are squealing with excitement to games

online games
god save me.

i am trying to pass the time listening to songs
watching trailers
but still I AM BORED AS FUCK.

sabar sabar sabar

i am no good at games
so it kinda defeats the purpose of me sitting her
in front of this comp
when my babymacbookie is at home
waiting for me to go online on it

i feel so out of tune here
i dont want to be a funsucker by playing the game
and ruining everyone's life

so here i am
listening to fucking boyfriend

and trying to get a life.
god, i know i said this moments before

but, please
save me

i am right behind the freaking loo
and it reeks of foul smells

i miss my itunes
i am just rambling here
cant you tell

i am trying to upload a vid
but it wont work
i am going insane
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
save me
:(

i changed my mind
kill me lah instead. sigh

2009-07-24T03:26:00.001+08:00

even as i sit here
recalling

of how i told her that i don't care bout you anymore
of how i don't need you anymore

i must have been a bad liar

she insists on how i still do

i tried to brush all the jealousy aside
i tried to not look at you and smile silently
i tried to resist from laughing at all your silliness
i tried to convince myself again and again

that you're not mine, and ever so impossible to ever be mine.

the tears still refuse to fall as i go through pages after pages
pangs of anger, jealousy and anger rages through
and still i grip my fists hard
trying to cry

why is it hard to fall out of love with you
when i barely know you
yet still am in awe with you
turning every flaw into perfections
accepting , loving and forgiving every part of you

oh, a tear just slipped
please just for tonight
as i silently say my goodbyes

please would you ever be so kind
hold me in your arms

as i crumble away,
knowing that you're not mine,
silently wishing i could fade into you.

this post was inspired by real life and by the song " fade into you" by mazzy star.

2009-07-19T03:33:00.000+08:00

2009-07-18T00:44:00.002+08:00

notes to self

don't take things too personally
banish all fear and insecurities
rid of people who ignites anger and negativity
try not to get mad at all
focus on smiles
when all else fails , think of cute babies :)
go shopping, WHERE I WANT to shop
if no one wants to go, go alone.
most of all, remember to have fun.

2009-07-13T03:55:00.004+08:00

asking for too much,never a good thing

need sleep, still holding on to notes

let me go
let me off

the freaking hook.

i didn't need him, i wont need you either.

and you. enough with your accusations

i am not here for war.
don't give yourself THAT much credit.

;)

2009-07-05T02:43:00.002+08:00

bestie's back :)
i can get used to karaoke sessions now since i can be a fan girl :D
i love my mac i love my mac i love mac :(
i need to retrace the steps i took
i need to fall in love
i need to find new bestfriends
i need to get a haircut
i need some sleep
i need to...
stop caring.

gonna go bath now then sleep. nights.

2009-07-02T00:58:00.001+08:00

"They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly.
Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear.
Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned.
But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection,
even if it kills them slowly within."

Sigmund Freud

2009-07-01T03:00:00.003+08:00

been on a hiatus for too long
final ASSessments are coming in
major workload

watched Transformers . one word = AWESOMENESS.
went out with my fave raccoon and insane friend.fought like nobody's business.
was a major bitch to some people,and am not apologetic for it.
baby bro got national service :( gonna cry.
really need a car,REALLY NEED A CAR.
been drinking loads of water. peeing a lot too :p
RIP MJ. i really love you.still in shock :((.

i loved this video so much when i was younger.
must be the dancing and the red jacket.RIP :(

2009-06-20T23:21:00.000+08:00

the video is finally out,
have a smile or better yet, a laugh people
:)

2009-06-17T09:47:00.003+08:00

its barely 10, already am at kopitiam gulping down cold tea. yuck.
i am really surrounded by morons. seriously.
i dont get how some people be such dumbfucks to a level where they actually out-stupid retards.
i need to chill.
i barely slept last night, getting all anxious over anything that crosses my mind, come july, and i will be insane.
i am so pissed, i'm even pissed at caffeine. it never NEVER helps me stay awake WTF.
today is gideon's first day for finals, good luck bear.
vk went to langkawi and came back and i was still clueless bout it, thinking he was stoning away in cheras studying. righttt...
i've been wearing contacts on daily basis now. i look foreign chewahhh..
i am torn between heading to bangsar or back home, back to my awesome, comfy bed.
i need to go bag shopping ,AFTER i settle my fucking fees.

god, help me...
for now, this song is helping me get through the day.

2009-06-10T04:58:00.001+08:00

things i realized over the week:

bonding over tom yam flavoured noodles with kimchi and ice cold water with my baby sis
is always a good thing.
having your mum to love your best guy friend is always another good thing. i can hang out
as late as i want now fuckers!!( ok fine, i have always could, just that now, she welcomes me with a smile when i get into the house at 5 in the morning)
macbook isn't as light as it seems
topshop workers shall and always be shit for brains snobs.
starbucks at ioi has serious air conditioning issues man.
gideon shops like a girl.
i need to surround myself with "free like me " people.
don't ever ever transfer to monash for degree or i will become a zombie as well.
need to stop downloading these fun apps for my mac, i just got a macsaber!! so fucking cool.
need to sell some of my stuffs like shoes and bags away. i dont ever use them. should
go get myself some stuffs i would actually use :)
owh and hi Su from The Stiletto Effect :)

hope you guys have a great week :), hugs all around.

2009-06-03T04:43:00.003+08:00

coffee i'm gonna need loads and loads and loads of coffee

this morning.

:(

2009-06-02T03:57:00.000+08:00

there is a problem when you always fight.
there is one.

2009-05-30T04:31:00.000+08:00

previews baby.

is this how it's gonna look like?
looks like pure sex to me
bring on the coronas ppl!!

2009-05-26T00:49:00.001+08:00

anything with the smiths and zooey in it is good enough for me :)

2009-05-25T01:33:00.002+08:00

things i don't and will never get :

the hype over gossip girls. I dont get it. just dont.
why people insist on doing those lame peace signs or rock on signs in their pics.
why people insist on typing LiKEZ dIzZ. seriously.
an authentic balenciaga bag :(
why i can never wear high heels
why i never have enough money
why there are still racist, heartless, brainless, shits for brains, pig shit eating people
in this world.
people who dont fucking indicate left or right when they drive. why you sek si dai wan ah
how some guys can look so hot when they drive...ohh yummy
why that stupid booty call image i used to have never fades.
the opposite sex. i will never ever understand them. yeesh.
why my nail color chips so bloody fast.
why losers have to crowd all the cool events, making it a shithole for the rest of us.
why i love beer.
why i hate my college so much? thank god that i am transferring for degree.
why my college mates are such a huge bunch of wannabees
why my room is always so messy. i need to sell stuffs away.
why my camera on my phone never works anymore.
why i miss clareen so much yet i fight with her all the time. xoxo bestie ahhaha
why i am constantly craving for teppanyaki. NI SEMUA SALAH YOU HAIDA.haha

ps, i cant find my ipod. shit. i am so fucked.
i have 2 more assignments which i barelt started on.
i'll leave you guys with someone i love so much.
keep your fingers crossed for me, wish me luck,
hugs all around. love you guys.

2009-05-23T02:59:00.002+08:00

so cute

bought loads of stuffs
kinda tired,
but have some assignments to rush up on
shall be up all night

i need coffee
and owh i love red lips
daaa

2009-05-21T01:56:00.000+08:00

hit repeat.

i want to be alone

2009-05-20T16:02:00.004+08:00

What are you wearing right now?
a grey jumper, my topshop wonder woman boyshorts

What's the last thing you read/are currently reading?
my newly bought elle magazine. elle shall be my new fave mag.

Do you nap a lot?
yeah .. alot

Who was the last person you hugged?
My little sister.

What's your current obsession/addiction?
red lips,my mac, and being alone.

What's for dinner?
no idea.

What was the last thing you bought?
a meal?

What are you listening to right now?
broken social scene's guilty cubicle

If you could have any super power, what would it be?
just the ability to help anyone in anyway.

What is your favorite weather, and why?
really depends on my mood and on what i feel like wearing that day.

What time do you usually get up?
on my days off from college, round 12, days with classes on around 7.30

What is your most challenging goal right now?
rediscovering myself and trying to not get mad at people that i actually love and treasure a lot. but it really seems to be an impossible task right now.

If you could have a house- totally paid for, fully furnished- anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be?
a loft, in new york
Favorite vacation spot?
anywhere, with my best friends and loads and loads of booze

What is your favorite item of clothing?
my black leggings.

Favorite pair of shoes you keep going back to over and over, even though your closet is overflowing with a zillion others?
my gladiator flats and if i actually own the ysl ankle boots yummm

Name one thing you cannot live without:
my loved ones

What time is bed time?
3 to 4 in the morning

If you could wake up anywhere tomorrow morning, where would it be?
next to those brown eyes,those perfect lips, and that long hair.
oh god, i am in love.

2009-05-18T04:06:00.002+08:00

rolling stones bag,
heavy laptop,
gin and jacqie,
stila :(,
stile red lip palette,
kose products,
clinique,
starbucks,
borders,
korean food,
chinese food,
starbucks again,
machines,
domokun.

things that i bought,brought, consumed and went to.

i need sleep and some solid food.

hope you guys have a good start to your week :)

2009-05-14T03:27:00.002+08:00

its 3:37 in the morning.

rests palms on keyboard.
look around.

1 minute later..

stares into space
feels eyes getting heavier

feels gloomy
a day wasted

3 minutes later

bops head to a catchy song playing on itunes
feelings of guilt descends

30 seconds later
wants to feel emo
presses the skip button
skipping kids

memorial by explosion in the sky plays

rests head on pillow
switching off lights

thinks bout galaxies
stars
the moon

the cold dark night

and last but not least

of how perfect you are.

hits repeat.

every night, i repeat this process.
and tonight
i poured my heart out.

i told you boy, i told you,
and you smiled.

2009-05-14T03:18:00.003+08:00

flawless.
i am so in love with their style, its just so effortless.
lately i realized that i no longer play around with colors anymore.

everything i wear is so black and white,
and i always wear the same thing.

i
love
it.

i need so many things,
but today i don't feel like asking for them,
instead i should be grateful for whatever i have.

no no no one hijacked my blog. -_-

itchy fingers itchy fingers.
ngeh

.

2009-05-13T01:56:00.003+08:00

so is this how bella would look like after she becomes a vampire?

right.

i am quite depressed lately, oh right,
i get depressed all the time. HAHA.

i need different friends, or, just none.
none sounds better.

doesnt it makes you wonder?
if a person is so fine with you being out of their lives,
why should you struggle so much when they are,
out of yours?

thing is,
i feel like i shouldnt care

and i wont.

nice knowing you.
you can do whatever the fuck you both want now.

2009-05-11T05:26:00.000+08:00

you got what you wanted. :)

2009-05-10T16:19:00.002+08:00

i am soooooooo happyyyyyyyyyyyyy
wooooooo
i got it :D

2009-05-09T03:37:00.004+08:00

plastiscines

a new best friend to add to their song loser

barcelona and loser are bffs.

owh and here's honey number 2

jamie burke
nothing says yum more than a ck ad model,long hair, a total rock star, and is the lead singer of his own band.

YUMMY.

did i mention that he looks like a total hottie in wayfarers?
:D

2009-05-08T02:19:00.004+08:00

today ok tonight

i am boy crazy

well ok i am boy crazy all the time

but today

i am Korean boy crazy (fangirlscream)

let me present you with honey number one,

top from big bang

omg isnt he sooo cute! (fangirlscream!!)

doesnt he look gorgeous in wayfarers?!
sumpah i lovee guys who looks damn good in wayfarers

ahh i am in love

shall come up with honey number 2 sometime later

and he voice........sexy sial sighhhhh

2009-05-05T02:20:00.003+08:00

happy birthday chin wai king!!

you irritate me most of the time

but you're really nice and sweet

and i know you mean well all the time

giving advices and stuffs

which i dont listen to anyways

hahha

anyhoo

its nice to start off this year by knowing you

and getting closer along the way has been nothing but sweet

you're a real good friend

and you deserve a good birthday

so happy birthday!!

:D lets go watch star trek!!

2009-05-03T03:13:00.002+08:00

cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs cut offs

legs.

its a girl thing.

red lippie,
cut offs,
my white tee,
insane hair,
sneakers,
booze loads and loads of booze.

oh fuck...

fuck

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

2009-05-01T02:12:00.002+08:00

i was bored, so i went on my fave site, and checked out all my fave babies.
enjoy :)

that same old pair of jeans - fat boy slim.

weapon of choice - fat boy slim.
gosh, doesnt christpher walken looks hot dancing?!

ooh la la - goldfrapp
this is one sexy song

brimful of asha - cornershop
oh gosh a must listen ok..skip the rest but pls listen to this.

alright - supergrass
go feel alright ppl!!

help - the beatles

have fun :))

2009-04-27T22:24:00.002+08:00

its 11.

eyes hurt,
i popped a piece of chocolate in my mouth,
it melts ,
i close my eyes..

i think i need to read a book.

note to self,
bring chocolate around when having period.
keeps you happy,
and at least the whole world wont hate you when you're psm-ing.

2009-04-27T04:58:00.002+08:00

period pain and period.
assignment due today at 2 pm, without notes of words limitations,marks.
lights decided to die on me at 3 am in the morning, scaring the shit out of me,
flashbacks of stories of the shutter and the ghost game gideon played in my room
runs wild in my mind .fuck.
cramps, coffee breath
noisy and heating up laptop
unruly hair and dried up lips, not sexy.
bunch of morons as classmates.
very uncomfortable leather chair strategically placed next to fucking comfy bed...
looks sooo inviting...
very very messy room

add all this for the perfect recipe for an extremely grumpy, irate, won't stop swearing jessie.

good morning.

superficial brunette with boobies

2009-04-26T03:04:00.002+08:00

what is your current obsession?

cereal,chocolate milk,fighting/bickering over the phone with gideon -_-

What is your weirdest obsession?

fighting non stop

What are you wearing today?

hot pink topshop tee,shorts

Why is today special?

nothing is special bout today

What would you like to learn to do?

how to shut up

What’s for dinner today?

pizza

What’s the last thing you bought?

shades

What are you listening to right now?

feist,css

What is your favourite weather?

sunny when i am outside,rainy when i am sleeping

What is your most challenging goal right now?

not to ruin things which are meant to be just ok

What do you think about the person who tagged you?

she is sweet,

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?

new york, a loft in new york.

Favorite vacation spot?

new york

What are you currently reading?

archies comics

What would you like to get rid of?

my insecurities please

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

new york

Which language do you want to learn?

korean and french

What did you dream of last night?

fights,guys,make out sessions,

Who do you want to meet in person?

agyness deyn and clareen.

One thing that you would snitch out of someone’s closet, with no regrets?

owhhhh those ysl booties from the olsens!

What’s your favorite piece of clothing in your closet?

my fav combo to be exact, leggings and white tees

What is your dream job?

ultimate dream?having a job which doesnt feel like a job, but a dream instead :)

Personal aspirations at the moment?

get out of this college and go to another better college

Your style is influenced by?

fashion blogs,haida,music,models,ciggies

2009-04-25T02:12:00.003+08:00

in these 2 days, i:

listened to too much of css, going a bit jumpy haha. i need a beer!
resisted the urge to get malboro lights
bought new shades, only to remember haida darling has the same one LOL
tried on maxi dresses, me like, me like, thanks pa, ma for your tall genes.
jumped around my room too much.
got so bloody mad at some people.
bang my phone around the room
read too much of fashion blogs... not a good thing, i wanna shopppp
met naya again!! :)
watched he's just not that into you ( with kingsley :) ) only to be utterly depressed
cause it just made me terasa and depressed for most girls out there
had too much cereal. lol
re watched ghostworld,garden state, and the devil wears prada. movie therapy :D
was supposed to go clubbing,instead stoned at murnis, being checked out and checking out
cute smiley boys... yummy.
having ppl to belanja beers is always nice :D. thanks sayang :)
oh, and i am in love. beerrrsssss

that was my summed up 2 days.
how was yours ?

you're defo off the hook

2009-04-23T15:35:00.002+08:00

wake up, online, have some cereal, smoke, online, sleep for a bit, online, sleep, online.

hit "repeat."

let me capture one perfect day where you're in it, and i shall press repeat forever.

2009-04-21T22:14:00.002+08:00

scars.

stars.
cars.

scars,
run my fingers across them,
i feel the skin,

tears starts to fall.

scars,
dried up wounds,
dried up tears,
a cold, numb heart.

scars,
from a fall in the park,
a tale of broken dreams,
an afternoon spent crying under the duvet.

scars,
tales of how one lived life and bled,
tales of how one fell and stood up again,
uplifting tales that happens to those full with hope.

scars,
every part of my heart is filled with them,
show me yours,

get a drink

and i will tell you mine.

the difference between me and the other vaginas out there. LOL

2009-04-20T20:20:00.003+08:00

i look around my room
its in a complete mess

i smile

rub my eyes a bit

lie down on my bed

stare at the ceiling

i know i know i know

i am not those type of girls

i am rude, love rude jokes , swears all the time

i smoke, i dont smile much

never friendly
burp way too loud,
i cut my own tees and own hair,

i hate top 40s, i laugh too loud,
i give too much cock stares haha

so different from every other nice girls out there

at least i have nice lips and eyes right
maybe sometimes i use vanilla i would smell nicer

lol who the fuck am i kidding

boys

they will choose those girls any day over me man

even if i changed

bye boy,

i know you're straying..

it was nice to have loved you

2009-04-16T18:42:00.005+08:00

in case, you're wondering.. the extremely uplifting, orgasmic , amazing song is "wake up"
by one my fave bands , arcade fire :D.

cant wait :)

2009-04-12T15:35:00.003+08:00

my brother and sister came in and terrorize my room for a while

we all curled up on my bed watching charlie the unicorn 3

and bits of mean girls

my brother who was sitting next to me

pinched and bit my face

hahahahaha

setan tul

i love hanging out with them

even though they insult me a lot -_-

i am so bored

i went down earlier to watch some tv

i miss the old shows

like rugrats,kenan and kel (orange soda!!), all that , as told by ginger, johnny bravo, dexter,
the wild thornberries and owh pepper anne.
sigh remembered how it used to be like

just marathons of cartoons with my bro and sis.

i am really bored.

i was just turning around

on my bed

playing with my hair...
listening to sufjan steven's to be alone with you
very depressing i tell you

gahhh.
so i switched to chicago, also by him.

better.

i wanna watch gigantic, there's zooey in it,
anything with her in it makes me happy

except for the terabithia or whatever shit.

pointless shit of a movie

dun get me started on twilight,

its so stupid,

robert made edward real
real weird that is.

wtf he has this i am in pain look the whole time

and he wasnt cheeky, funny

he was just mad mad mad

in fact he looked like he just swallowed shit and realized he just swallowed shit.

wtf.

and what's with the songs?
rotten songs really.

except for muse but i bet its only because stephenie loves muse, and bella's lullaby is not bad

only not bad ok.

dun mind me, i am a fan of the books

the movie, too short and fast

although i must say the color tones of the movie is perfect

and how they laid next to each other without being all sexed up is nice.

thinking of getting the host soon
for ppl who are clueless

the host is this another book by stephenie meyer
who is btw the author of the twilight series.

go kill urself if your a fan of twilight and yet didnt know that

yes i am in a rotten mood

bite me.

time is moving too slow

i think i need a hug :(

edit:

wishlist:

1.pink floyd converse

2.100 bucks to go crazy at fos for their cheap tees .

3.50 bucks to go nuts at bundles

4. 79 bucks for that bag i nampak kat hujung she store at sg wang

i need moneyyyy$$$$$.

and a hug.

2009-04-08T12:05:00.002+08:00

i miss those days where i feel a constant urge to do this thing
i used to not have whatsoever reason to do it
but always wanted to and would always do it.

now that i have all the reasons in the world to do it
i don't
reasons of why i shouldn't pops up
funny how life works.

not that anyone ever cares if i don't
yeah. no one cares.

i went with haida last night.
we just went to random places
like shah alam, klang then to kelana then ikea

we sat down for ice cream at ikea
and just started bursting out in laughter like mad fools
taking funny pictures and just laughing
i miss those days when everything was just a laugh

now almost everyday i have to cry
the tears just come naturally
i don't even need to try.

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/

this is an amazing site that really makes you cherish the people around you
it did for me,
hope it does for you as well.

i sent a text to my dad.
i always do,
but i just realized how it makes him so happy
when he reads
:" i love you pa, take care.".

2009-04-06T15:48:00.002+08:00

on 5th of april
bout 10
i woke up with the worse feeling ever

fresh tears on my face

owh

right.

i texted haida and baity

i realized i need to get out

they picked me up

around noon

another sore note

its ja's birthday

owh

right.

i was quiet the whole day

the ulcer really hurt

and i was very distracted

every few minutes

someone touches me

looking at me with a concerned look in their eyes

babe, you ok

i heard that all day.

we went from sunway to klcc, whisked past midvalley twice,
back to puchong again,then off to pudu, then to murnis,
kota damansara then back to subang's mcds.

haha.

"you rasa banyak orang sayang kat i ke,b?"
i asked.

" banyak jess."

she said.

i lose a lot of things in life

people that i love,

trust,

friendships,

and most of all

my old self.

and tomorrow is the 7th
the d word is finalized.

having a fever is slowly killing me.

but when yesterday happened

and now , thinking bout it

i cant help but smile and go

i guess its not all that bad to be me.

thanks babes.
with you guys around i know i have something worth it

to hold on for
love you guys very much too.

hugs :)

2009-04-01T07:20:00.001+08:00

LOL!!

lily allen does a wicked version of it too.

morning, hope this cheers you guys up.

later.

2009-03-30T10:15:00.002+08:00

slurping coffee loudly in the morning

i lit a cigg and inhale

look at the time

its fucking 10 in the morning

and still i haven't slept a bloody wink

shit

i am fucking nocturnal

say hello to the klaxons again

singing my old fave.

2009-03-29T04:16:00.001+08:00

2009-03-23T02:01:00.002+08:00

2:04

i cried so hard
i lost my voice

the sobbing doesn't die

it goes on and on

i breath

lie on the bed

soak my pillow

i feel like something in me died

my head hurts

its been 2 days

it still hurts

i feel like giving up

its too much for me to hold on to

i want to go away for a long time

disappear forever

just to know i am worth nothing

for them to hurt me this way

2009-03-21T08:17:00.002+08:00

i am sensitive

my stomach hurts

it turns at the thought of it

i tried to sleep

couldn't

went for a bath

came back and lied with my hair wet

i sat up again

close my eyes

and they just came flowing down

the pain

haha

i saw a car

with the number plate starting with the word

why

why..

i still feel the pain

i am thinking of excuses of why it happened

why of all people

i was the one chosen to be betrayed

why do i still want her to be happy

why do i still want to see her and hang out with her

i almost wanted to say

" don't stay away from her,
nothing hurts more than calling the one you like,
only to have them to never pick up the phone."

but i bit my tongue

maybe that was the last straw

maybe that was last slap my face could ever take

but it doesn't feel right.

i don't need this right now.

not right now.

not from you anyways.

2009-03-19T22:56:00.003+08:00

today i met a wonderful wonderful boy named aki
he's a japanese
he loves me
but i cant be his gf
cause he has to go home
he gave me a hug
kiss goodbye
brought me to meet his parents
his parents kept smiling at me
he sat with me and talked to me
i played with his shoe lace
held his hands

i wished i could marry him
but i cant
i just cant
cause
dear dear akifu

is only 3
hahahhahahahahahahhaha

god he's so adorable
who needs a guy
when u could have a son like that
i asked if he loves his mummy
he screamed
yes yes very much

awwwwwwwww
aki!!! i love u!

i blogged bout this a long time ago

baby aki should be bout 5 now :)

i read a couple of my old post in my blog at myspace.
i suddenly miss the way i used to write.
but at the same time
i don't want to feel whatever the old jessie was feeling

haha funny

i talk as though this new jessie is having the time of her life

haha.

2009-03-18T04:46:00.002+08:00

i think i really like ...
cause every time i go near her

i feel sick.

i should be jealous, envious, hateful, mad,

but no.
hell no.

i feel sick.
sick like wanna vomit kinda sick.

damn you .

2009-03-18T04:09:00.003+08:00

i hate college i hate college

HELP
( haha, thank god i transfered out of help, if not ...the irony..)

i need my holidays back =(

(jantan i tahu i mcm sentiasa on holiday tak yah you to remind me)
( yes i meant you vk -_-)

2009-03-16T03:23:00.002+08:00

tadi,
masa i tengah syiok syiok chatting dengan si vk tu kan
dia nya connection went nuts
and he offline terus .
babi.

so i went on chatting with kingsley
then baru i realized
ade small msn window bukak

it states.

(something like this lah )

your message history for waiking@i am sial. com (email rekaan semata mata untuk melindungi diri vk dari cyber sex), is full
please

delete older messages
or
save older messages

chewah vk,
kita nya conversation on msn dah pecah rekod kat archive i rupanya.
looks like it
my feelings towards you has changed

last time kan
i dislike you tau.

now kan.
.

i hate you.
and i know the feeling is mutual

movies on friday?
hahahahahhaa. wek.

2009-03-15T05:36:00.004+08:00

i want to be normal
i want to be someone else.

i want to have normal problems
not problems that sets my future

how i should live my life

or how i would have a family or not

i want to be confident in things i used to believe in

like love,
family,
and most of all,
to trust a person enough to choose to live my life with him

for the rest of my life.

not this.

i want to be the kid

who when she forgets the key

she gets nag bout inviting danger to herself

not bout how she is taking advantage of the situation

this situation

is not something i wanted

i don't want this situation

i want to stop thinking bout it

i want to talk bout happy my family is

bout how we are all together

bout how my parents are happy

not crumbling into pieces every time it pops out

it frustrates me

so much

that i feel like driving a dagger into my heart

why?
why am i the one who has to go through these things?

why cant i have normal things to fuss about

i know there are people who are far more unfortunate than me

i know you can say how you been through this and that

and how in comparison my problems are less worse than yours
but shut up and think

are you in my shoes
are you going through whatever i am going through

are you crying the tears i am crying

are you feeling the pain i am feeling?

NO.
so don't you dare compare your emotions with mine

for i have never done so.

i am sorry if your life is worse than me

but mine is bad

your level of hell might be far worse than mine

but who are you to question my level of hell

when i never questioned yours.

i just want to be a normal kid.

i just want my best friend back

so i would have someone to call when i am sobbing

i just want things to be normal again
so i don't need to desperately want to leave home just to escape

i just want my family back

if it means that i have to shorten my life

to gain back whatever i have lost

i don't mind

i don't mind being run down by a car a day after tomorrow

if i could have my old family back

even just for a day.

i don't mind.

2009-03-14T02:59:00.002+08:00

you know how it is
when you see someone you havent seen
for some time
your heart beats really fast

and you melt.

and the past flashes by as you sit in the car
watching street lamps dissolve into the dark

its funny
a queer funny feeling
as you are plunged into a sea of different emotions
yet you know
that you should not feel that way

not anymore anyways.

he used to be my everything
he was always on my first dial
he always managed to make me smile

he was the one i would always talk to bout everything

funny how

we ended just being strangers

strangers ,

who shared a past together.

i should give up on relationships altogether
for they always end on the same note.